On Being Scared Of Myself

On Being Scared Of Myself

This is not an inspirational story. In fact, this is no story at all, inspirational or otherwise. From time to time, I am asked to introspect and write about being queer. What is there to say that hasn't been said by someone else? What is so unique about my story? I don't want to talk about suffocating in the closet, suffering silently and struggling to be happy.

Although, sometimes I wish I wasn't queer. It makes me feel scared. It makes me feel like someone dipped my body in a puddle and I am covered in filth from head to toe. Not the kind of filth my mom says lotus grows in or the kind that necessitates a good, long bath. I could scrub all I want and particles of mud would still cling to my skin. I don't mean to sound morose, but being who I am, is not easy.

Sometimes, unintentionally, I come to notice a stray mole on her chin. I long to be a drop of sweat on her neck, I want to bask in her musk, I want to slide on her stretch marks. Her could be an elusive anybody. I am horrified by my thoughts. I wish I wasn't queer. Did Sappho ever feel like this?

I am a proud person. I have attended a couple of Prides. I too had put a sticker on my face and felt happy. But when I am alone, disgust creeps on me like little ants. The air feels stagnant and I am scared again.

What am I scared of? I am scared of being called slurs, I am scared of being invalidated by loved ones, I am scared of my employer making my workplace hell on earth, I am scared of my fears not being given importance in elections. Most of all, I am terrified of feeling disgusting for one more minute.

I won't lie, everything on Instagram is rosy. It seems like nobody is struggling with their body, desires and surroundings anymore. I will tell you, it's not true. I still do. Don't feel alone if you do too.

But, again, there is nothing special in what I have to say. I'm sure you would agree.

The post On Being Scared Of Myself appeared first on Gaysi.

On Being Scared Of Myself

This is not an inspirational story. In fact, this is no story at all, inspirational or otherwise. From time to time, I am asked to introspect and write about being queer. What is there to say that hasn't been said by someone else? What is so unique about my story? I don't want to talk about suffocating in the closet, suffering silently and struggling to be happy.

Although, sometimes I wish I wasn't queer. It makes me feel scared. It makes me feel like someone dipped my body in a puddle and I am covered in filth from head to toe. Not the kind of filth my mom says lotus grows in or the kind that necessitates a good, long bath. I could scrub all I want and particles of mud would still cling to my skin. I don't mean to sound morose, but being who I am, is not easy.

Sometimes, unintentionally, I come to notice a stray mole on her chin. I long to be a drop of sweat on her neck, I want to bask in her musk, I want to slide on her stretch marks. Her could be an elusive anybody. I am horrified by my thoughts. I wish I wasn't queer. Did Sappho ever feel like this?

I am a proud person. I have attended a couple of Prides. I too had put a sticker on my face and felt happy. But when I am alone, disgust creeps on me like little ants. The air feels stagnant and I am scared again.

What am I scared of? I am scared of being called slurs, I am scared of being invalidated by loved ones, I am scared of my employer making my workplace hell on earth, I am scared of my fears not being given importance in elections. Most of all, I am terrified of feeling disgusting for one more minute.

I won't lie, everything on Instagram is rosy. It seems like nobody is struggling with their body, desires and surroundings anymore. I will tell you, it's not true. I still do. Don't feel alone if you do too.

But, again, there is nothing special in what I have to say. I'm sure you would agree.

The post On Being Scared Of Myself appeared first on Gaysi.